Canadian History aka DAMN IS IT COLD UP HERE!
by Roxanne-chan
Summary: Basically Canadian history... HETALIA STYLE! T for bilingual cussing, and random writing.
1. Chapter 1

_Hey! Omg, this is my very first time stepping into this fandom. I'm kinda terrified. _

_Any who, after watching the Hetalia episode about American history and the birth of America, I thought to myself; wait, what about poor Canada? So, as a Canadian citizen, I've decided to tell Canadian history; HETALIA STYLE!_

_P.S. When the writing is Italic like this, it means the narrator is talking. Just FYI._

_P.S.S. I apologize for my possible inaccuracy. The last time I learned about this crap was in grade seven._

_P.S.S.S. I wrote this all in one go, so it probably sucks._

_Please review!_

_Disclaimers: Rated T for swearing, both in English and in French (bilingual, bitches!)_

_I do not own Hetalia. Sad._

* * *

_After America picked England over France as a mentor, as you can imagine, France was goddamned pissed. _

"How dare he?" France muttered, kicking at stones in the countryside, "What does that little brat know? Turning down fine French food in exchange for the British slop! _Crètin!"_

_In his rage, France traveled north, unknowingly coming across what is known today as Montreal. _

"What is this?" France asked himself, looking out at the island in front of him, protected by a powerful thundering river and thick green trees, "Is this the place Jacques(1) told me about? _O, c'est magnifique_!"

_But the fact that it's_ magnifique _doesn't make up for the fact that I'll be stuck here all winter,_ France thought bitterly. _Stupid Francis(2) didn't think I'd need a ride home until April_.

"I can do this," France convinced himself, "I will learn to live beautifully in this wilderness! I have the blood of the French in my veins! I CAN DO THIS!"

_That night was a living hell._

* * *

6:35pm: "Oh, I'm so hungry…"

6:45pm: "Where's the crêperie(3) when you need one?"

7:00pm: "Let's see if I can catch some food. Maybe some _poulet_, or some _boeuf_. Oh, I would kill for some _paon_(4) right now!"

7:01pm: "… _avec du potage_ (5) _et d'haricots_ (6)…"

7:05pm: "How the hell do you even hunt, anyways? You use a bow and arrow, _oui_? Or was it a sword…"

7:06pm: "I don't have either..."

7:14pm: "Ah_, merde_, it just got dark!"

7:15pm: "And it's so c-c-c-cold!"

7:17pm: "I'M GOING TO DIE OUT HEEEEEERE! BWAAAAAAAHHHH!"

_It took exactly forty-two minutes for France to break in the wilderness. _

_And I don't even want to mention when he had to go to the bathroom._

* * *

**The next morning…**

"Argh," France rubbed his sleep-deprived eyes, "This is going to kill me. I'll never be able to survive when the snow sets in."

But then France saw it. The little flash of a blond head.

"Wh-wh-who was that?" France called out, shaking with fear, "Sh-show yourself!"

Out of the bushes appeared a small boy, who bore a remarkable resemblance to America, except for his brown tunic, leggings, and moccasins (7).

"America!" France exclaimed, "What are you doing up here? And where is England?"

"I'm not America," the young country muttered in a soft voice, "I'm Canada."

"Canada?" France asked. The little country nodded. "Well, do you know how to survive up here? I'm afraid I'm stuck here for the next few months."

"Of course I do," Canada declared quietly, "I'll teach you how to live."

_And so, Canada started the long and frustrating journey of teaching the modernized France to live off the land._

* * *

_And that's where I stop. For now. How do you think France will bear with this?_

_This is my first Hetalia fanfic, and I hope I'm able to do this accurately. Oh, and actually finish it, as opposed to my other fics… * bursts into tears of shame *_

_Anyways, please comment and review. Now here's the boring history, citations, and translations!_

_**THE ACTUAL HISTORY (as I remember it from grade seven :P Note: Eventually gave up and went to Wikipedia)**_

_The first European man to set foot on actual Canadian soil (as opposed to American, which was Christopher Columbus, of course) was the Frenchman Jacques Cartier, ordered to go there by the French king Francis I to find another passage to Asia, like Chris Columbus tried to do._

_After twenty days, Cartier reached what he thought was Asia, but turned out to be Canada. Though it wasn't until his second mission he reached the village of Hochelaga, known today as Montreal, where he met some Iroquois who taught him and his 110 men to live in the notoriously nasty Canadian winters._

_To be continued…_

_**References!**_

_(1)Referring to Jacques Cartier, the first man to set foot on the island of Montreal, or the first person to set foot into modern-day Canada!_

_(2)Referring to King Francis I, the ruler of France at the time. Not to be confused with Francis Bonnefoy, France's human name._

_(3)A place where you buy crêpes._

_(4)Roasted peacock. A medieval French delicacy. _

_(5)Thick veggie soup. Commoner's food. An odd choice to go with paon._

_(6)Steamed beans. Again, common food._

_(7)This is what I remember First Nations would wear from seventh grade history. If I'm incorrect (which is likely), I apologize._

_**French dictionary!**_

_Crètin: Idiot, cretin, buffoon, ninny, moron, dipshit… you get the idea._

_O, c'est magnifique: Oh, how magnificent!_

_Poulet et boeuf: Chicken and beef, respectively. Neither of which are indigenous to the Montreal area…_

_Paon: Peacock. Not indigenous to Canada as a whole._

_Avec du potage et haricots: With thick veggie soup and steamed beans._

_Oui: C'mon, everyone knows this one!_

_Merde: Shit._


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello, again. Just a warning; this is a goofball chapter. It has no real historical importance, but I had fun writing it!_

_Anonymous Void: Dammit! Forgot the Vikings! Sorry…_

_Thank you to Idon'tknowhowtodealwiththis, Pastry Queen, and Anonymous Void for reviewing. It's greatly appreciated!_

* * *

**HOW TO BE A RUSTIC CANADIAN**

**LESSON ONE**

"So, what's first?" France asked, rolling up his sleeves to look more like a "man".

"Well, first," Canada muttered, "You must build a house."

"Got it!" France clapped his hands together, "_Facile!_"

"Here you go," Canada handed France an axe, who replied with a blank face.

"What's this for?" France asked, confused.

"To build a house, you have to have logs," the junior country explained, "To have logs, you have to cut down trees."

"Alright!" France gripped the handle, determination gleaming in his eyes, "_On y va_!"

3 hours later…

"_Mon Dieu_," France wiped his brow, looking at his first successful tree, "That took a lot of effort. I wonder how little Canada's doing…"

He turned to the young country, only to find him sitting on a mile-high pile freshly chopped and striped logs.

"_DIS DONC_!"

**LESSON ONE LEARNED: **

**Canada is the ultimate lumberjack.**

* * *

**LESSON TWO**

Looking at the new house (mostly built by Canada), the young country said, "Now, for the rest, you'll need to learn how to hunt. And, uh…" if possible, the boy's voice got more frightened and quiet, if possible, "You won't be able to wear… that…"

"Wear what?" France asked in a dangerous tone. To him, his bold French fashion was not to be criticized, "What's wrong with it?"

"I-i-it's… uh…" Canada stammered, "T-too bright. The a-animals will see-."

"_QUI ES TU POUR JUGER MES VÊTEMENTS, CLOCHARD_?"

**LESSON TWO LEARNED:**

**Don't judge a Frenchman's fashion sense.**

* * *

**LESSON TWO (retried):**

France grumbled, stuck in some old brown tunic and trousers. Canada said they were better for camouflage. Ghastly was the word that came to France's mind.

"Take the bow," Canada instructed, demonstrating as he did so, "Nock the arrow, pull, aim, and shoot."

And with that, Canada took out a deer.

"That's easy," France muttered, using his own bow and arrows, "Nock, pull, ai-."

France accidentally let go of the string at the wrong moment, succeeding in nothing but shooting himself in the foot.

**LESSON TWO LEARNED(again):**

**France has a very colourful vocabulary.**

* * *

**LESSON TWO (one more go at it):**

"Just take this side of the net," Canada said, "I'll cross the stream, and, when I say go, push the net into the water and pull it taut."

"_D'accord,_" France nodded, "This, I can do."

"We should be able to catch a lot of fish this way," Canada nodded, before crossing the stream, dodging the fish that swam past. Getting a good grip on the net, Canada said, "On three. One, two-."

"_Trois!_" France tugged the net sharply down and forward, dragging poor Canada into the waters below.

**LESSON TWO LEARNED(not really):**

**France can't fish, either.**

* * *

**LESSON THREE**

"Now," Canada indicated all of the animals he had caught; three deer, ten squirrels, a peregrine, three swans, a raccoon, four ducks, countless fish, and a couple geese, "We have to skin them."

France turned white, "Skin them?"

"Yes," Canada nodded.

"Can't I do something else?"

"Well, you could pluck the birds."

"_Non_."

"Cut the heads off the fish?"

"_Quelle horreur_!"

"No, it's not that bad," Canada pulled out his knife (a sharpened rock), "Sometimes it takes a couple of chops, but-."

It was no use. France had already passed out.

**LESSON THREE LEARNED**

**France is completely hopeless.**

* * *

_Yet somehow, don't ask me how, but somehow, France made it through the winter, with Canada's help._

"Thank you, my little friend," France said when his ship arrived, "You saved me. Here's what I shall do. I will come back, and I will bring spoils from my country. How does that sound?"

"That would be amazing, France," Canada smiled.

"_Au revoir_, little friend!"

"_Au revoir_, France!"

_And that's what happened. France gave Canada things from the modern world, and Canada gave him some of his resources; lumber, syrup, and beaver fur, to name a few. They had a good relationship going._

_For now._

* * *

_DUN-DUN-DUH! What happens next chapter? Here's a hint; England's a greedy douchenugget._

_Please review!_

_**History:**_

_None, really. This was just goofiness on my part. :P _

_**French Translations:**_

_Facile: "Easy". As in "easy peasy, lemon squeezy."_

_On y va!: Literal meaning: "We're going!" Can also mean (in my experience) "Let's go!", "Here we go!", or Let's do this!"_

_Mon Dieu: "My God"; an exclamation of frustration and/or tired… ness._

_DIS DONC!: A French exclamation. Literal meaning: "THEREFOR SAY!" When said, actually means something along the lines of "WHAT THE-!"_

_QUI ES TU POUR JUGER MES VÊTEMENTS, CLOCHARD?: Roughly translates to… "WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE MY CLOTHES, YOU HOBO?"_

_D'accord: Okay._

_Trois!:_ Three!

_Non_: No. Nada. Nien. No way.

_Quelle horreur!:_ Literal meaning: "Oh, the horror!" In this context, means: "Disgusting!"


End file.
